Anonymous Accuser Claims Bush Used
Steroids to Enhance Executive Abilities

By Joe Weiss
Washington DC: According to an anonymous, self-proclaimed "White House source," President George Bush tested positive for steroid use when submitted to an unannounced drug screening held shortly after the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001. A startling press release-issued on Monday to various news agencies and considered legitimate by most-maintains that, not only did the president's urine sample test positive for the presence of anabolic steroids, but that the incident was covered up by Bush's handlers and the chief-executive tacitly allowed to continue his use of the performance-enhancing drug well into 2002.

"Immediately following 9/11, any White House employee who drew attention to the abrupt 'bulking up' of President Bush's approval rating and supposed leadership ability had his or her suspicion gently allayed, " read the statement. "However, after the drug test took place in mid-October of that year and its results became a topic of surreptitious conversation, a strict look the other way' policy began to be enforced. Anyone found openly acknowledging that Bush's hard line stance on terrorism was fueled as much by 'juice' as it was patriotism was out of a job."

The five-page release continued, stating that "(a)t a crucial juncture in his presidency, Bush achieved greater steadfastness through chemistry, not competence." It also proposed that any awards earned during either of Bush's terms-such as being named Time's 'Person of the Year' in 2004-should be rescinded and retroactively bestowed upon the runner-up, "in almost every case, U2's Bono."

While both the legislative and judicial branches of the federal government have operated for decades under the scrutiny of a zero-tolerance program of fines and suspensions for such transgressions, randomly administered drug-testing of the executive branch became law only as recently as 1992. That year, a similar program was implemented at the behest of the president's father, the then-incumbent George Bush Sr.

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