Anonymous Accuser Claims Bush Used
Steroids to Enhance Executive Abilities

By Joe Weiss
"The prevailing belief at the time was that Bush Sr. was pushing for such a program as a way of enacting a sort of delayed revenge upon whoever ended up beating him in the 1992 election," posted Beltway insider and author Harold Trumbley on his popular blog WhoWatchesWashington.com. "Going into the home stretch, he knew he was going to lose and so introduced the bill in the hopes that Clinton or Perot-both of whom he, along with most of the American populace, believed to be high on a 24/7 basis-might one day test positive and be impeached, or at least heavily fined. Now, over a decade later, he may have helped catch red-handed not a morally-degenerate liberal, but his own flesh-and-blood. I think it's time for a long-overdue father-to-son talk on why drugs aren't cool."

There remains no record of how many times, if any, President Clinton was chosen at random to submit a urine sample. In a similar fashion, there exists no evidence of Bush's purported steroid use, let alone a conspiracy to keep it a secret. Because of this dearth of solid proof, conservatives are shrugging off the accusation.

"When it comes to the president's bodily emissions, I know as much, if not more, about the why's, how's, and when's than the man himself," Bush advisor Karl Rove told reporters. "At no point during the past six years was George W. Bush required by federal mandate to urinate into a tiny cup. When and if he is, though, I can assure you right now that the only thing his urine will test positive for is communion wafers and love of one's country." Still, there are many who believe the report has a ring of truth to it.

"While we're without anything stronger than a press release that amounts to hearsay, this scenario would shed light on some of the more...er...unusual events that have taken place over the course of Bush's presidency," Washington Times reporter Christopher Baylisse remarked. "For example, when Bush smashed his podium to pieces during a Q & A session with The League of Woman Voters back in February of 2002, everyone assumed he was just angry at being asked about abortion for the umpteenth time. Oh, and remember when he made that comment during his State of the Union address about how the Taliban army had 'shriveled up smaller than a professional wrestler's testicles? At the time, we all just thought it was another of ole George's malapropisms. Oh, and then there was that Sunday he subbed for an injured Baltimore Ravens linebacker. Wow."

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