Austrian Corporal to Chancellor Tells Secrets to Making Billions in Real Estate

By A. Hitler
Our correspondent, Valencia Guerrero, has been channeling Hitler for the past five years. In light of recent predictions by financial superstars like Jim Cramer that the real estate market may be a bubble ready to burst, Guerrero thought it prudent to share Adolf's real estate secrets.

"When I tried to be an artist in Vienna I discovered right away that I would starve if I didn't make money. I convinced a gang of my friends to scour cities for down and out properties we could buy. We began by purchasing abandoned buildings in ghetto neighborhoods and then reselling the buildings back to other poor people in those same neighborhoods. Pretty soon my boys were doing well. We decided to make offices in all the major cities in Germany so we took an Aryan symbol, the swastika, put it on small buildings in each town and said they were Buddhist temples, had all the 'monks' wear black shirt uniforms, and we consolidated our network.

Before we knew it we acquired properties in upscale neighborhoods, even major office buildings. Then we attempted to buy the Reichstag, but it wasn't for sale. So we burned it down first and then got it cheap. By now we were big time and owned plenty of Germany.

And here's where we hit it big. We decided to buy Poland - yes all of Poland. The Poles agreed to the deal after we promised to build a lot of resorts in their country with year round heating. We completed all the negotiations but when we were closing the deal the Poles got confused and they paid us instead of us paying them.

We opened our 'resorts' in Poland and partnered with the big railroads to provide special transportation in special cars at special rates and soon all those resorts were thriving communities. The visitors to the resorts never returned home so we took over their whole neighborhoods in Berlin, Krakow, Warsaw and every big city in Eastern Europe.

And you know the rest of the story - we bought whole countries, built more and more resorts, even were making rockets to the moon when the market fell out. I took my profits and escaped to South America.

In today's world - in the new order - you would begin buying up small towns in Mexico (aka Arizona), promulgate Quetzacoatl as a symbol …. You know the drill.

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