Ring Tones in Cell Phones Being Jostled
for Dominance by Smell Phone

By Paul Springer
Schemes to cash in on the lucrative cell phone ring tone market have reached saturation level, but wireless users now have a new phone fashion accessory to add to their arsenal: the smell phone.

Rappers 50 Cent and Pharrell Williams assembled a consortium of venture capital investors to fund Funky Stank Labs, whose innovative olfactory nanotechnology provides cell phone users with the opportunity to bypass auditory signaling entirely in favor of scent-based incoming call notification.

Celebrities already marketing personal fragrances were quick to join the fun, and now any number of luxurious fragrances can announce an incoming call, thus avoiding the noisy inconvenience of asinine novelty rings and truncated hit song bites.

As always, new technologies bring new problems, and enterprising troublemakers have already found ways to hack into phone services and alter the outcome of the nanoscent emitters. Tampering with the intent to cause unexpected and embarrassing emissions of foul odors was not a particularly surprising prank, but in fact much worse things lay in store. One death has already occurred as the result of hacking. An unfortunate cell phone user who paid for a scent-tone based on Donald Trump's self named cologne instead received the entrepreneur's actual body odor, resulting in one death by asphyxiation and emergency room trips for an entire bus full of innocent by-smellers.

But the search for new technologies continues, and several groups of inventors are competing to work the kinks out of technology designed to announce calls by simulating the physical touch of a celebrity, and one Silicon Valley scientist had to be rushed to the San Jose Institute for Colorectal Reconstruction after an accident involving sensations based on former Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee.

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