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Crackling
Fire & Hot Mulled Wine Horoscopes
for the Merry Season
SAGITTARIUS
(11/22 - 12/21)
You've spent your life in the fast lane, now you're paying all those
speeding tickets. A late night viewing of Speed with Sandra Bullock
will make you yearn for the days when your bus couldn't go below fifty
miles per hour.
CAPRICORN
(12/22 - 1/19)
Six hours in line for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will make
you re-evaluate all this extra time you've been finding yourself with
lately. Maybe you should try out for the tri-wizard championship.
AQUARIUS
(1/20 - 2/18)
You can't wait to buy March of the Penguins to put on your DVD shelf.
What better way to look like an intellectually cultured individual.
It will go great next to the insightful documentary Inside Deep Throat.
PISCES
(2/19 - 3/20
There are times in life when you must stop and take a rest. However,
unfortunately, no one will buy this excuse as you try to stop and rest
for the entire month of December. Time to get off your butt and do something.
Something other than eat turkey.
ARIES
(3/21 - 4/19)
A sudden urge to reconnect with your youth will prompt you to track
down every person from your senior year high school class. Unfortunately
for them, you will also try to get them all to sing the old high school
theme song. That's just sad, Aries. Just sad.
TAURUS
(4/20 - 5/20)
You are smart. You are wise. You are beautiful. You are sexy. You are
wonderful. You have nothing to be worried about. You will succeed at
everything you do. You will also be lied to a lot this month.
GEMINI
(5/21 - 6/21)
It's nice that you have a lot of friends. However it will prove to be
not so great when you discover they don't like you. Avoid the harshness
of reality by going to see a movie and crying a little in the dark.
CANCER
(6/22 - 7/22)
Your decision to dress up like a gorilla and stand on the corner to
promote the coming of King Kong will turn into a nightmare as you have
to chase off a recently escaped chimpanzee from humping your hairy leg.
LEO
(7/23 - 8/22)
Your collection of Beetlejuice memorabilia has taken over your room.
Your collection is starting to creep onto your bed. You really shouldn't
need us to tell you this, but it's time to sell some things on ebay.
No, stupid, not the bed. The toys.
VIRGO
(8/23 - 9/22)
Your idea to write a screenplay, though attempted by many, was a worthwhile
endeavor. Your decision to make your screenplay based on the life story
of Marty, the man who owns the liquor store down the street... not such
a worthwhile endeavor.
LIBRA
(9/23 - 10/22)
You will eat too much, gain weight and have a miserable time this holiday
season. Not to mention some idiot rented Daredevil. Time to get new
friends and better video rentals.
SCORPIO
(10/23 - 11/21)
Your birthday has
passed. And so has your gas. Get some air freshener and for God's sake,
don't do that in front of your date Saturday night.
Thanks to: www.fakecelebritynews.com/horoscopes.html
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