Bring Out the Holiday Cheer with
These Recipes from the In-Law Gourmet

By Paul Springer
They smell funny, they behave without logic or compassion, their offspring span the full spectrum of grotesque mental deficiencies, and they won't go away. Regardless of your religious beliefs and cultural background, the end of the year poses serious threats of exposure to in-laws and other large-scale parasites. They're coming to your front door soon, and the strategic goal of this recipe is to make sure it never happens again.

While there are innumerable countermeasures against in-law incursion, the vast majority of them entail serious public relations issues and burdensome legal expenses. The following gastronomical black op is essentially a stealth mission that strikes the enemy at two levels. The first is simply the physical, and targets will without a doubt experience digestive processes that few human beings undergo.

But the war on family relations only begins with physical engagement. True and lasting victory can come only through a ruthless psyops approach that will wear down the enemy's desire to cross your borders and assail your house's frontal defense mechanisms.

Before deploying the following recipe, make every effort to ensure that the targets have consumed as much of your customary fare as is humanly possible, if not more.

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