Bring Out the Holiday Cheer with
These Recipes from the In-Law Gourmet

By Paul Springer
Holiday HIP (Hard-target Interdiction Pie)

Ingredients

Filling:
One dozen well seasoned urinal cakes
4 ounces Saltpeter (potassium nitrate)
25 ml. spironolactone diuretic
8 ounces bran fiber
1 ounce citrate of magnesia
10 mg. methamphetamine
25 ml. pseudoephedrine sulfate
15 mg. ibogaine or equivalent of other n-Methyl-d-Aspartate (NMDA) receptor inhibitor

Crust:
quarter pound shaved butter
2 cups flour
1 ounce mineral oil
½ cup fiberglass or asbestos

Topping:
1 pint whipping cream
2 ounces birdshot

Drizzle:
ABS pipe cement

Placebo Pie: Any frozen mince pie

Recipe:

Toss first five filling ingredients into a chum bucket and frappe with a paint mixer. As ingredients are congealing, distill pseudoephedrine from any OTC cold medicine and slowly pour into the bucket with ibogaine. Empty chum bucket contents into pie tin and prepare crust. Lightly fold in asbestos at end of process and roll crust; situate crust on filling.

Frappe whipping crème in food processor until it holds an peak and use spatula to transfer to pie. Sprinkle birdshot over top. You can substitute metal shavings if birdshot is unavailable, but presentation suffers from substitution.

Deploy individual servings in kitchen, making sure to serve the stunt pie slices to wife, your children, yourself, and other non-combatants.

Once the dessert plates are distributed in the dining room, make a show of enjoying the pie and demanding a second helping.

Discretely move back from the table, creating a "splash perimeter" around the enemy. Effects of the concocted ordnance will occur at regular intervals and in rapid succession.

The physical outcomes present in terms of incontinence from diuretics and explosive rearward fire patterns from laxatives. Do not compromise the mission by being struck br friendly fire! The ultimate utility in this battle plan consists in the psychoactive ingredients, which simultaneous add complex layers of anxiety and panic while cognitively imprinting the whole experience with the environment: your dining room. The impotence inducing-effects of the salt peter will later augment the more immediate psychological effects.

Serving suggestion: Deploy pie in conjunction with home movies or slide show focusing on you and your immediate family. This will increase the intensity of the imprint process, and this "Clockwork Orange" effect will ensure that in the future the mere thought of you or your home will cause adversaries to experience involuntary emesis, projectile incontinence, and severe motor arrest due to post traumatic shock. You have then succeeded in making the enemy feel precisely the same way they've been making you feel for years. Mission accomplished!

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