Post Office To Raise Price of Food Stamps
But Promises To Increase Nutrients

By Bob F.A.
Washington--In its' boldest move yet, the Bush White House has wrested control of all 51 state run food stamp programs and placed them under the authority of the, fiscally beleaguered, Postal Service. The move was made to both to bolster revenues as well as to institute some new cost cutting practices; first, by giving the Post Office a product that people will be compelled to use there will be a definite income stream that can be relied on and second, switching the stamps from units that can be exchanged for food to the food itself will save the government billions.

Neoconservatives throughout the beltway were beside themselves, with one quipping, "We haven't seen such vision since Regan made Catsup a vegetable" and "…do you realize how much less paper costs than real food!? Yow!" Although, the switch-over isn't set to launch until January, artists resumes and portfolios are already being sought by industrious staffers--"especially those who can make vegetables look appealing". And as one intern observed "…not since the make-work programs of the New Deal will so many artists have been given such widespread employment…only this time they'll have to eat their mistakes. We expect to employ thousands."

White House sources asserted that this wasn't a case of big government going local but of local government going national while the poor go on a, much needed, diet. In the official version, a White House spokesperson stated that "The stamps will be fashioned after the original lick'em variety…and that while glue itself has been found to be packed with nutrients we're going to go so far as to add some basic vitamins and minerals into the mix". VP. Cheney noted that he'd always liked the way glue tasted, and the President, for his part, said "…aw, c'mon are you trying to tell me that they weren't made out of food before?"

In a related story, now, while Food Stamps can still be used in exchange for food, San Francisco is being targeted as a test site for a program in which restaurants will be required to accept the stamps lieu of cash or charge. Aqua, The Fly Trap and Fior D'Italia are serving as the pilot purveyors for the test and say they are quite pleased with the initial results. "…it looks like a real winner". Though the $135 monthly stamp allotment is only good for about one diner in this town restaurateurs agreed that those spending the stamps seemed to be enjoying themselves.

The wait-staff too chimed in that the Stampers were far and away much better tippers than the general public as a whole and that they felt obliged not only to account for every stamp they received, but to pay off the IRS in kind.

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