Frozen Food Giant Reaches a Wintry
Helping Hand to the Homeless

By Paul Springer
Imagery of cozy, happy, and even luxuriant holidays is part of the American experience, from Currier & Ives and Norman Rockwell to Lives of the Rich and Famous and MTV Cribs. But every year an estimated five million homeless Americans plod through the holidays without even owning so much as a picture of a home and hearth.

But this year could be different, as two corporations have come forth to offer aid and succor to the dispossessed. Swanson Frozen Foods has offered the services of its growing cryogenics division to several major metropolitan areas. "Why suffer in unsanitary gutters and alleys when you could be snug as a bug in one of our zero-Kelvin frost free units for the duration of the holidays?" asks Swanson spokesperson Randy Storpleman. According to the company, the homeless could be easily thawed out after New Years. Or not.

Kingsford Charcoal teamed up with Kraft Foods to offer the new Shake and Bake Skid Row Survival Kit. The kit consists of a sleeping-bag sized single-serving housing unit with a specially designed enzyme-based heating technology. The homeless person climbs in the bag and ziplocks it to seal in freshness, as the smoke-free enzyme heat staves off subzero temperatures and keeps out the elements. Kingsford's contribution is an Instant Light spontaneous combustion kit. In the event of death, mourners simply toss in the Kingsford Personal Pyre briquets and seal. Combustion is complete, rapid, and completely self-contained. Comes with crafts materials to convert cremains into a garden gnome.

This year, there really is a Miracle on 34th Street!

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