Jean Schmidt, “Mean Jean,” Given Plum
Lead Role in House Christmas Play

By Steven Stiefel
Mean Jean Schmidt has landed the role of a lifetime. She has been cast in the lead role of this year's House of Representative's annual Christmas production, The Grinch Who Stole the Happy Holidays.

"I couldn't be more ecstatic," the carnivorous method actress snarled. "Last year, that slut Nancy Pelosi gave a wooden performance as The Virgin Mary. Completely unbelievable. Now, it's my time to shine. I'll be a Grinch like you've never seen."

Backstage, minions stripped off Mean Jean's flesh-colored make-up to reveal her naturally green complexion. "Does it make any sense that the Grinch changes his ways at the end of the story? I don't think so," Schmidt said. "Those Whos are gonna get what's coming to them, not some happy liberal ending where the government redistributes the wealth."

Behind, the scenes Dennis Hastert, Roy Blunt and Tom DeLay were feverishly rewriting the script as per the demonic diva's demands. In the rewrite, all the toys stolen from Whoville are taken to Dick Cheney's new Chesapeake Bay mansion, where they are set on fire. "With three-dollar-a-gallon Exxon premium gasoline," Mean Jean says with her trademark green grimace. "And all their heating oil. It's going to be a cold winter in Whoville."

Advance word has already sold out the premiere, "Colonel Bubp asked me to send you a message - that Marines go to see Christmas plays. They don't cut and run like little cowardly Whos," Schmidt said. Colonel Bubp denied endorsing the play.

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