Hurricane Katrina Clean-up Crews face Atmospheric Events Called First-Ever
by Scientists

By Paul Springer
Just when it seemed that all the ramifications of Katrina and Rita had finally come to light, deep-digging journalists uncovered an underwear coverup of extra-extra-large proportions.

The first revolting discovery was an enormous pair of battle-scarred BVDs which Katrina had blown off Fox News Journalist Bill O'Reilly. The plus size commentator was on his way to the New Orleans area when he learned how serious the hurricane really was. Despite his speedy effort to flee, the slightly larger air disturbance caught up with him and ripped the brobdingnagian shorts completely off and whirled them into the stratosphere. But there was considerably more damage than that done to the psyche of witnesses.

The gigantic-and if truth be told rather squalid-shorts came to earth at the southern tip of Louisiana, almost completely covering Plaquemines Parish. Inhabitants of the Parish complained of an indescribably foul odor that caused lung-wracking coughing and watery eyes. The symptoms were consistent with the use of poison gas, which has been prohibited in warfare since brief but horrific incidents in World War I.

A large-scale hazardous waste remediation team commissioned by the EPA found that many residents had perished from the gaseous onslaught, while still others suffered from a fungal infection that presented with severe and persistent itching. Authorities responded by using helicopters administer aerial Desinex, but this was too little and too late to help the many residents crushed and suffocated under square miles of O'Reilly's browned-out underwear.

The immense size of the undergarments in question poses a tremendous challenge to remediation efforts, and the EPA may allow the detonation of a small scale nuclear device to annihilate the shorts and the contagion emanating from them. Experts agree that nuclear fallout would pose fewer health problems that the existing fecal miasma in the region. A multi-month cover up succeeded until gaseous emanations made navigation impossible for a number of tankers and cruise ships in the area, as resultant collisions and disappearances lent themselves to a "Bermuda Shorts Triangle" situation.

In Texas, authorities were also caught with their pants down when journalists discovered political motivations for concealing serious health problems caused by a pair of Newt Gingrich's bladder control underwear that almost completely covered the Astrodome while it was housing refugees. Local health services organizations were pressured into fabricating several cover-stories, starting with the claim that the Depends were part of roof repairs to prevent roof leakage. But a steady downfall of yellowish precipitation with distinctive olfactory characteristics soon gave the lie to the official explanation. Federal and Texas state EPA offices are working with local builders to construct an aircraft carrier sized catbox for remediation of the roof bound bladder control briefs.

A pair of galacticly proportioned crotchless panties got away from Britney Spears. Propelled by 100 mile per hour winds, the revolving door underwear turned into a deadly flying scythe, obliterating trailer parks and KOA campgrounds all the way from New Orleans to Galeveston, eventually coming to rest on the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France. A similar tragedy was narrowly averted when a titanic girdle disengaged from Opra Winfrey and went into orbit. Mercifully, the girdle burned up as it reentered the atmosphere, causing a rain of Kevlar and spandex across southern Texas.

In related news, citizens all across western Texas and Arizona reported a large, mysterious flying saucer radiating a milky ectoplasm on Tuesday night. Authorities first suspected the phenomenon was an internet-induced case of mass hysteria, but it later proved that the huge, green, malodorous disc was in fact rockstar and gamslinger Madonna's missing diaphragm.

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