New Technology SUV “Monolith”
Comes from General Motors

By Jacob M. Vos
General Motors announced today the release of the new Monolith SUV. In
response to the rising cost of crude oil, the Monolith MT 1000 runs on used cats and dogs, which can be found for free across the country, alleviating both the pet surplus and the oil shortage. GM spokesman Jim Michaels announced the Monolith as a "revolutionary new design, which showcases GM's commitment to make the world a better place."

The Monolith's APDS (Animal Powered Drive System) converts protein directly into mechanical motion, getting an impressive 200 mpc (miles per cat) under normal city driving. An optional pet-carrier is available for longer journeys and increases the APDS' capacity from three animals to twelve, each of them fed directly into the engine as needed. Of course, the APDS is located in the rear of the vehicle, sound-proofed to keep any unwanted noise out of the passenger cabin.

Shouting over the din of PETA protestors, Michaels described how alternative-fuel technologies like those used in the Monolith will allow the U.S. to depend less on foreign oil and avert the impending energy crisis. Today's demonstration showed how the APDS automatically grinds and processes pets, turning them from unwanted strays to clean, reliable energy. In fact, the Monolith utilizes 99% of its fuel, emitting only a trace of unused fur and bone.

Other optional features include a Stray Scoop/Road kill Scraper attachment for refueling on the go, heated seats, and a power moon roof. General Motors expects the first Monoliths to be available this fall with a base price around $30,000.

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