Hilton For Congressional 2006 Bid

By Fiver McIntyre
Ask any democrat and he will tell you, the party needs to rack up some wins in 2006. As a Beltway insider with his finger on the pulse of the party, I must tell you that it floats. I'm talking about the pulse of course, not the party, which is a sinker. In traditional Chinese medicine, which I've had the privilege of studying extensively under Dr. Yu Su Me I Su Yu Bak, a floating pulse indicates yang excessiveness due to wind or heat.

I apologize for speaking in such esoteric terms but as the layman says, the dems are full of hot air. Countless leftie celebrities from Babs Streisand to Martin Sheen have stepped up to criticize the current administration, yet no one has put their money where their mouth is. It's in this spirit that I recently nominated real estate heiress and movie star Paris Hilton to the United States Senate, a star who is not afraid to put her mouth anywhere.

As I anticipated, the nomination sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill and the tension has been building ever since. Dianne Feinstein, seventy-six years old in 2006, has said she will run again, but insiders have privately expressed a need to proactively head off an attempt by Republicans to run a nominee from the GOP House delegation. Democrats I have spoken to believe a race led by Ms. Hilton is a can't-lose proposition. Party leaders point to her use of the catch-phrase, "that's hot," as a powerful meme that the party can latch onto and make its own. One high-ranking Democrat told me, "This party sees things how they are. We call a spade a spade, and so does Paris Hilton. When she says, 'that's hot,' you better believe it's on fire. You can take that to the bank. She's refreshingly candid and politics needs that right now."

I expect that Paris's nomination will bring young voters out in droves. In order to capitalize on the fervor, democrats ought to consider passing legislation intended to allow citizens under the age of eighteen to pre-register for voting rights. This will require volunteers to canvas shopping malls, cell phone retail outlets, movie theaters and the condom aisles at national drugstore chains. Tweens are taste-makers and their involvement at an earlier age will not only influence the opinions of their parents, but big business as well. Corporations that market to tweens (and I challenge you to name one that doesn't) will be forced to back the candidate if they expect the continued devotion of the multi-billion dollar tween spending power.

The Olsen twins have given their stamp of approval and more Hollywood power-brokers are expect to follow suit even as Republicans challenge Paris's ability to lead and have begun calling for her to take a position on the serious issues facing the country. When recently asked about the country's growing budget deficit, Hilton responded by reminding pundits that her pet Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, has been litter box trained. After further questioning, it was revealed she was speaking to the injustice of taxpayer money being spent to clean up Millie's messes on the White House lawn. "That's so not hot," she said.

When pressed on more specific issues such as the government's handling of the destruction wreaked by Hurricane Katrina, Paris reminded reporters of her family's stature in the luxury lodging industry. "Love shack, baby. I would've put 'em all up for free." On the topic of Iraq, Paris stated, "They're real. I swear." It was later confirmed Hilton thought reporters were referring to her rack and she promptly retracted the statement. At press time, she had not made any further comments on the war.

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