Passings of Note

By Joe Weiss
Terrel Sanchez, 79, constant follower of the Lord Almighty, was called home to his reward on Thursday. Unfortunately, he died before he was able to get there.

Drew Nesbitt--or "The Ladies' Man," as he liked to be called--passed away on Friday at the age of 44. He is survived by innumerable bastards.

Mary Hogan, 15, like, totally died of embarrassment Friday morning when her dad honked the horn and waved to her from their family's way lame minivan after dropping her off in front of school. Oh my god, like, the whole entire freshman class was there and saw it, too.

Joey Spagnolo passed away on Saturday at the age of 35 after a long battle with offering-himself-as-a-state's-witness-in-exchange-for-a-reduced-sentence disease.

Jeannie Murphy, 24, dyed on Saturday. Now, instead of purple, this crazy goth chick's hair is green; can you believe that?

Leo Harper, 71, passed on yesterday in his sleep, content and at peace…not screaming and shielding his eyes from the flying shards of windshield glass like his wife in the passenger seat.

Super Mario died 16 times on Sunday before finally beating level 7-4. In every case, he was survived by Luigi.

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