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Pixar’s
“The Donner Party” Sizzles, More
Ho-Hum from Disney, Moore Takes on Santa
By Mike Calahan
As the holiday season begins its downward spiral into an orgy of spending,
gluttony and passive-aggressive behavior toward family members, tinsel
town delivers a selection of films, all opening on Christmas day, that
are guaranteed to delight and entertain the whole family.
 The
Donner Party
First, its time to hitch up the wagons and travel back to 1846 with
Pixar's much anticipated film The Donner Party. Using their faultless
combination of state-of-the-art animation and celebrity voices, Pixar
brings this delightful tale of pioneering, family and cannibalism to
a whole new generation. Renee Zellweger and the incomparable Rodney
Dangerfield, in his final performance, star as the voices of George
and Tamsen Donner who, with their friends the Reeds and the Breens,
brave the merciless winter across treacherous landscapes in pursuit
of new beginnings in a young, American West. Along their journey, they
encounter directional misfortune , murder and starvation, all with hilarious
results. No doubt, this season, children of all ages will be quoting
Mr. Donner (many of whose lines were ad-libbed by Dangerfield) who delivers
such lines as "Whoa, whoa. I thought I told you kids not to bite
the hand that feeds ya. Jeesh!" and "Honey, I said to chew
the fat, not chew ON the fat." In addition to the voice talents
of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and The O.C.'s Adam Brody, audiences will
relish the exchanges between Sam and Nilla, the wisecracking vultures
(as voiced by Gilbert Gottfried and Ray Romano). Britney Spears supplies
the theme song with her interpretation of Duran Duran's Hungry Like
The Wolf.
Rated PG (adult
innuendoes)
Running Time: 1 hr, 52 min.
 Something
Jolly This Way Comes
Next, Michael Moore returns with another controversial expose with his
long-awaited film, Something Jolly This Way Comes. In this, Moore tries
to expose the truth behind the slave labor that has been going on for
hundreds of years by focusing his attention on toy factory #45, one
of many sweatshops 'conveniently isolated' in the outer reaches of the
North Pole. Using both new and existing footage of the toy factories
(or as they are called by elves, as we learn, 'Cold Hells'), Moore shows
atrocities never before imagined, atrocities that continue to elude
international law to this very day. In one of the more poignant scenes,
Stumpy, a 235-year old elf who escaped captivity after having his right
hand amputated for painting the wrong eye color on a doll, recalls how
the man known to millions as Santa is, ".....nothing more than
a dictator, a monster! He used to put two elves in a ring and watched
as they'd beat each other to death using Wiffle Ball bats! This is what
he did for fun. None of you would ever pay to sit on Idi Amin's lap
at the mall, so what's the difference?!" --Moore hopes this film
inspires the international community to stop turning its back on the
horrors in the frozen north.
 The
People Mover
Finally, in the wake of such theme-park inspired blockbusters as Pirates
of the Caribbean and The Haunted Mansion, Disney once again reaches
into its bag of popular attractions for what is expected to be their
most successful endeavor yet: The People Mover. This plotless film takes
viewers through slow-paced thrills and moments of near standstill. Preview
audiences and critics everywhere agree, Disney proves once again that
they make movies that get released into theaters.
Gene Shallit wrote:
"As I'm watching this, I'm thinking 'am I being Punk'd?'"
Leonard Maltin wrote: "Watching this film did more for me than
dried prunes with an Ex-Lax chaser ever did." Ebert and Roeper
were unanimous: "What the hell was that?"
Disney's The People
Mover is the perfect holiday movie for kids who suffer from severe apathy
and those with preexisting heart conditions.
Rated G
Running Time: reports vary from twenty minutes to eleven hours.
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