Any such document attempting to outline an appropriate code of conduct for torture should consult the classic films of The Three Stooges. Loved around the world by generations of fans for their slapstick abuse of one another, no reasonable individual would question the use of similar tactics on enemy combatants with information pertinent to the war on terror. The document I'm proposing ought to contain a list of acceptable tactics, both verbal and physical, that should not be strayed from by anyone claiming to represent the United States of America. This list will become the standard for torture worldwide and supersede any existing codes and documents on the matter. While not an exhaustive list, the following physical tactics and verbal abuses would be considered acceptable.

Smacks to the back of the head or face.
Strikes to the top of the head with a closed fist.
Kicks to the seat of the pants.
Stomping on toes.

The simultaneous use of a pointer and middle finger to poke the eyes. Torture victims should have their hands tied securely behind their backs to prevent a block of this move, which might render it ineffective. In these cases, the index finger of each hand may be used to gouge the eyes.

Before employing any of the above physical tactics, interrogator may exclaim, "Why you!" in order to startle to the prisoner.

When responding to statements clearly containing erroneous information such as terror threats against the New York City subway system, interrogator may reply, "Oh, a wise guy eh?" It is advisable to follow up with a smack to the back of the head (see acceptable physical tactics list above).

To disorient the prisoner, the interrogator may repeat the phrase "nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk" or "whoop, whoop, whoop," as many times as necessary to elicit an emotional breakdown.

At all times, the ubiquitous terms of "fathead, numbskull, and imbecile" must be used in place of degrading ethnic slurs.

I have consulted with the ACLU as well as the United Nations on the above list. Our discussions are ongoing. Swift implementation of this code will not only a display a new responsibility, but also a sense of whimsy sorely lacking in modern torture techniques. Please, contact your local congress people and educate them to "The Three Stooges Humane Torture Principles." The hearts and minds of our enemy can be won if we let Moe's love taps guide the way.

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