Reverend Jerry Falwell Opens New
Christian Casino in Nevada

By Paul Springer
The reverend Jerry Falwell broke new ground in more ways than one when he dug the first shovel of dirt for the foundation of his new Christian casino in recently incorporated Falwell County, Nevada. After completion, the Christ's Mercy Casino will offer a full range of gaming and prostitution services. Because of the blessed casino's religious affiliations, all gambling losses will be tax-deductible as tithes.

When asked about the biblical precedent for his new venture, Falwell alluded to Proverbs 16:23: The lot is cast in the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord. Falwell explained his exegesis of the scripture in modern terms, remarking that the verse from Proverbs "clearly places gambling in the context of intelligent design. Just as the complex structure of the natural world defies our ability to comprehend, in the same way we are ignorant of the over-and-under for any given proposition. Whether you're talking about the salvation of your eternal soul or seven-come-eleven, it's all part of His divine odds book."

In keeping with his concern with redemption, the Reverend and his attorneys worked with the Almighty Himself to develop a special Slot Machine of Salvation or SMS. The SMS relies on the bonus multiplier concept, and any player could win guaranteed admittance to the pearly gates. (Limited to one win per customer.) "In the pagan casinos a dollar could cost you your soul," Falwell explained, "but here it could win you eternal salvation!"

The Reverend's press release announced the formation of ChristCo, a joint venture between Falwell's organization and Hard Rock CafÈ International, Inc. This potentially explosive synthesis of evangelical and entertainment concerns will yield unique crossover opportunities. In the near future, Hard Rock Cafes will exhibit fragments of the original cross of Christ along with other celebrity memorabilia, and the Casino of Christ will display effigies of Mick Jagger and the Beatles alongside Jesus, Adam & Eve, Noah, and other biblical figures that will populate the casino's interactive wax museum attraction.

Falwell's new gaming establishment reaches out to believers from all walks of life, but there are some special attractions for "whales," or "big spenders." The Holy Ghost Lounge will be open only to a select few, and the cryogenic Ark will have a very short client list composed of those willing to spare no expense in ensuring that they will be alive on Judgment Day. Or to use the Reverend's own words, "Many are called, but few are frozen.

The casino's overall design concept is intended to combine the awe-inspiring space of the cathedral with the joyous atmosphere of the gambling establishment. And the reverend especially wanted to pay homage to Christian History prior to the founding of his own church, so many of the attractions are imbued with older Christian tradition and iconography. Tables featuring blackjack, poker, and craps will feature dealers clad in the traditional garb of the Cistercian, Franciscan, and Dominican orders respectively, and Benedictines will tend bar.

A separate palladium for high-rolling baccarat enthusiasts will feature fourteen tables arranged by minimum ante in the order of the stations of the cross. Specially designed baccarat cards will bear the likenesses of saints instead of the traditional suites.

Some out-of-state residents expressed concern over Falwell's use of Daughters of Our Lady of the Sacred Heart apparel to clothe his team of prostitutes.

However, the reverend quickly pacified the unfaithful by alluding to the parable of Jesus and the harlot. When critics raised the issue at a press conference, Falwell quoted the relevant verse: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. No one took up the offer.

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