Secret Memo on Osama Bin Laden from CIA

By Paul Springer
An internal CIA memo was disclosed today through a "deep throat."

DATE: November 3, 2005

TO: Strategic Planning Heads

FROM: Bin Laden Neutralization Committee

RE: Increased Pressure to Locate Bin Laden

As indicated in today's White House statement on the purportedly inevitable capture of Osama Bin Laden (OBL), we expect increased pressure on the CIA in specific and the intelligence community in general to neutralize OBL, preferably in a situation conducive to positive media treatment.

Moreover, the extensive press given low level regular army personnel in the capture of Saddam Hussein and subsequent technical interrogation debacle makes it imperative that our organization play a high profile and positive role in the neutralization of OBL. It would not be too much to say that our reputation-and our funding-will be deeply affected by our success or failure in finding and handling OBL.

Saddam's imminent trial has raised the stakes, and we need to "ante up." Consequently, new and aggressive plans are in the works, and an agency consensus is absolutely necessary if we are to successfully bring OBL to light. At the present time, several impressive plans have been proffered, but there is no agreement on which way to proceed. Give careful thought to the following scenarios:

Operation Special Delivery (OSD): Although the intelligence community has been unable to locate OBL, it is well known that Fed-Ex can locate anyone or anything on this or any other of the nine planets. OSD would entail having Fed-Ex locate OBL and deliver a package of pornographic magazines (emphasis on bestiality) containing an explosive charge. OSD features a very high likelihood of success, but an overly large charge could make post-mortem photo-ops problematic. At the same time, intelligence gathered re OBL's "member" indicates that a charge sufficient to detonate only his "John Thomas" would likely not cause much damage to the rest of him or even be noticed. Another problem with this approach is Federal Express's insistence on a home telephone number for delivery purposes.

Operation Petting Zoo: OBL's notoriously rank and malodorous beard is so large that it presents a distinctive radar profile and can be resolved on satellite photo images. Unfortunately, OBL's associates are running a counterintelligence operation that creates thousands of similar "false find" images by using "cake cutter" combs to fluff up the pubic hair of indigenous goats and dromedary camels. Our biological ops staff has now developed a hair removal compound effective for the compromised quadrupeds; delivery would be achieved by applying the material to condoms and carpet bombing the area with same. Given the local penchant for "animal husbandry," we expect rapid distribution and deep penetration, which would leave the real "beard" open to aerial ID. The downside: stateside animal rights activists could compel the agency to provide camel merkins and psychological counseling to traumatized animals. The compound could also result in mortality for some of the animals, and though this falls within accepted loss parameters, resultant and unwanted sexual attention on indigenous women could lead to undesirable media attention. In the alternative, it might give them a viable alternative to killing each other.

Final Solution (FS): Saturate the entire region with penis enlargers made of plastic explosives. This operation has the highest likelihood of completion, but its "shotgun" approach could have repercussions, no pun intended. Success could be mitigated by a subsequent lack of cab drivers in New York and severe declines in the markets for industrial strength deodorants, depilatories, and certain "special" shampoos.

In any case, our decision must be based on further intelligence gathering, and we expect that contact with the following OBL associates could provide invaluable information:

Ibn Hozn Urmahm
Khandzop Zgrachin Maibalz
Maiwhaif Zghada Hujass

As a concluding note, be aware that there is some sentiment that American authorities lack the willingness to take appropriate steps to deal with OBL once he has been captured. Should this prove to be the case, one group of field operatives has advised of willingness to Kick OBL's ass, tattoo "Seabiscuit is the love child of Golda Meir and my camel" on his ass, hog tie him to a barrel, and drop chute him into the Mossad's training compound outside of Tel Aviv.

Your comments on any of these matters will be appreciated.

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