Time Traveler’s Corner
Consult Your T.V. Guide First

By Paul Springer
This Week in Reality Television:

The Apartment Complex of Divorced Dads: Usually an island or some other mechanism of isolation is integral to the reality show, but divorced fathers are so depressed that they fear everything outside the comforting cocoon of their apartment complex. Like the boneheads in the cave of Plato's allegory, they would probably kill anyone that compelled them to confront reality head on. The show won't do that, but it will pit contestants against each other to determine who can make the most pathetic appeal for reconciliation to their ex-wives.

The husbands and wives will be real people, but the wives will have access to hunky male actors in order to make their humiliation of the husbands more satisfying. The winner will be the first husband to commit suicide. In the event of simultaneous suicides, the winner will be the contestant with the most pathetic final monologue or suicide note. Remaining contestants will receive free electroshock and cable with all the porn channels. Ex-wives will go on to try out for Desperate Divorcees.

Health Care Hell: Contestants must suffer from serious illnesses not covered by their health insurance. Cattle-call notices will be distributed through HMOs, free clinics, and corporate human resources offices, and contestants will be chosen based on the horrific nature of their ailment, their chances for succumbing during the season, and the cost of treatment.

While no network can afford to underwrite health care costs for such individuals, the first decedent/winner's family will receive a complimentary burial pass for two. Remaining contestants will be euthanized in a spin-off called Yank that Plug!!

Gangbanger Eye for the White Guy: A collection of white poser pseudo-rappers is assembled to determine who can get "jumped into" gangs in the Compton area of Los Angeles, otherwise known as the home of the Crips and the Bloods.

After failing an intelligence test and providing affidavits that they have purchased clothing from the International Male catalog, contestants will be dropped off individually in territories of various gangs, such as the 5-Deuce Hoover Crips or the 135 Compton Pirus Bloods. Each player is equipped with a video camera as a "gift" to propitiate their new friends. The camera has a secret satellite link to the network, and the show continues until the feed breaks off or the camera is pawned. Focus groups showed tremendous approval for the projected decline in the legions of phony hip-hoppers. Potential spin-off: real gang members compete to bring out a new line of pimp wear.

American Idolatry: Seemingly devout Christians will be "abandoned" on an isolated Island with several nubile supermodels and six cases of gin. The island will contain relics from a primitive culture. The show will depict contestants' inevitable descent into savagery a la Lord of the Flies, but as adults they will display a much less excusable level of hypocrisy. Prizes in the form of raw meat and sexual favors will be awarded to the first group to enact human sacrifice. At that point, ratings will determine whether the show is continued or the island is leased to the Department of the Navy for nuclear weapons testing.

Crack Survivor: Cash-poor yuppies try to dodge sky-high property values in New York City. The game has a remodeling theme somewhat like the Trump show, but here the objective is to live to see tomorrow rather than flip the property. Players begin with a funding competition, where the hard-money lenders who begrudgingly hand over the dough talk about the vigorish, not the interest rate.

Contestants who succeed in buying a burned out Liquor Barn anywhere north of 110th in Manhattan go on to deal with nearby crack houses, gangs, horrific toxic contamination, corrupt cops, and 24/7 Jehovah's witnesses. Players must remain in the area, and all food must be purchased only at local check cashing/liquor stores.

Tombstones awarded for specific categories of eventual murder: most painful, most creative, most highly videotaped, most deserved, and most ignored by passersby.

Judas Priest: Ten young men will strive to enter the Catholic priesthood, confronting the usual hazards of the calling. The first to give in to drugs, alcoholism, prostitution, or the more typical depravity will become an arch-bishop.

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