White House Announces Two Christmases
A Year to Jolt Consumer Spending
By Dan Fiorella
Washington D.C.- In an effort to improve the economy, the White House has announced plans to establish a second Christmas Day. "That's right, America!" President Bush shouted, "Two Christmases every year!"

The President cited economic reports generated by the Presidential Economic Task Force, a group he appointed during one of his Crawford, Texas vacations. The Task Force confirmed that America is no longer an agricultural-based economy. The report also pointed out that we're not much of a manufacturing economy, either. "And face it," the report states, "most of our service economy is overseas."

Noting that the United States is now a consumer economy, the White House presented a number of charts and graphs confirming the facts that consuming is what we do best. "If we don't consume," stated the President, "the economy falters. And that could affect future tax cuts."

It was then left up to the Presidential Economic Task Force to study consumer trends and design a strategy to help revive the sputtering economy. That strategy was then submitted to the White House and the President picked the one he felt was "the coolest."

"The Task Force determined that Christmas is the biggest consuming time of the year," announced President Bush, "So, I'm sending a bill to Congress to establish another Christmas. It's everything we do best. Plus it's a sop to my evangelistic base. And it's all covered by my faith-initiative policy. What could be better than spending more money to honor our Savior?"

The President added that if the second Christmas is "succesable," they could add on a 3rd Christmas. "Those department stores won't know what happened to their bottom line," he said.

The plan also lays out further benefits of the plan: a boost to the lumber industry and pine tree farms, an increase in ornament production and all seasonal help becomes permanent staff and a 100% increase in the employment rolls of department store Santa Clauses. Added the President, "so I got the job creation situation handled to boot."

The President is very excited about this plan because it will surely bring up his poll numbers and prevent him from becoming a lame duck executive, "'cause I'll have some real issues to run on next time."

The plan is to place the holiday about 6 months from the present holiday, to fill in the gap between Independence Day and Labor Day. The administration may even replace Labor Day with the new Christmas.

The President hopes to get the new holiday up and running before 2007, saying, "Remember my fellow Americansters, let's get out there and consumerate all you can so we can get this great nation economating again. Good-bye and Merry Christmas."

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